After the course: what then?

I have been disappearing for several months and now I am back to tell my stories in this city, Yogyakarta. My English preparation class that was conducted by LPDP scholarship has finished a couple of weeks ago. So, what is the result? I can conclude that it is satisfied for us even though many of participants didn`t get good score in their TOEFL but almost all of them was accepted in their dreaming campus. Life is a story to make a history and select people that can survive from their failure.  Some of us include myself still look for campus and struggle to get score to enter the university. I personally, want to try any chance to gain my campus in US. I joined the second MELAB test that conducted by P2B UNY cooperating with Ohio State University. If we get score 82 in MELAB we accepted by its campus without TOEFL or IELTS. The test result still was not announced yet and I am waiting for it now.

All of my friends and me gave the ticket by LPDP to go home but I choose to stay here. I guessed to go back to my home town with condition like this not a good decision. It was ridiculous. There was no result and it was hard to me but I don’t give up, never. I communicated to both my parents about my problem and my decision. They supported me and said that go on to your plan and finish the job which you start.  They would do anything to help me in financial problem because my scholarship fund had stopped in July. I told them that I waited for MELAB test and if my score not enough yet I need to go to pare to IELTS course. In my target, I will do my best effort until December this year. When December come and my English still low I will choose one of domestic campuses to continue my master. However, I will do my best effort because English not a like practice knowledge. It is a skill and to fulfill the score we need much time and much training. We have to jump in English in totality and being it our deep breath in the morning and dream in the midnight.

I just laugh to myself about my circumstances. I want to cry and tell the world about my pains. My heart is wounded by my own stupid. Is it a great challenging in throughout my life? Would I be a fail person in this city? What is wrong with me?  I need to answer these questions with my brain, my hand, and my eye. Sometime, I feel so confuse because I think that I just waste my government fund. I am so sorry to all Indonesia citizens. I have to rise immediately before December come and I have to gain my future. I will come back to my beloved West Sumatera province with a trophy as a real winner who will devote himself to his society.